LaughAtlantis

This morning I was riding the Green Line T into Boston and I listened to the driver announce over the loudspeaker, "You know, if you would all move to the back of the cah, we could expedite this trip a little quickah, so move to the back of the cah! They's plenty a space they-uh."

Where to begin?

First off, Mr. T Driver, I know you're from Massachusetts, but let me introduce you to the 18th letter of the alphabet. I like to call it R. It belongs not just in consonant blends, but also at the ends of some words. Try it.

Secondly, the word expedite means "to make faster" Thus, when you say "expedite a little quicker," you're being redundant. And despite the fact that you've used a really big word, you've still wound up sounding dim.

Finally, how the heck can you tell that there's room at the back of the car? Do you have a little built-in camera back there that tells you that the T passengers are basking in open spaces and wondrous comfort? No? Did you take a class in T passenger psychology that says that T riders like to cluster in the front car unless you take a cattle prod to them and force them to the back? No? Then how do you KNOW???

Let me tell you this: you don't know. In fact, you're dead wrong in thinking this. How do I know? Because I am actually sitting at the back of the car, and there is a guy with a backpack stuck right in my face and a woman whose bag is actually resting on my shoulder. Believe me, it's crammed full back here.

You might now be saying, "Gee Joy, aren't you getting awfully upset about this? I mean, worse things happen on the T than just bad grammar and pronunciation and lack of passenger knowledge on the part of the T drivers, right?"

You're absolutely right.

So let me tell you about one of those things.

In fact, today I was also on the Red Line riding from Park Street and South Station. This is just two stops and realistically, it's the place and time when the Red Line is the most crowded on your average weekday morning because people are all heading for the financial district. Today, however, I lucked out and got a relatively uncrowded train. I mean, I was standing, but there was room to breathe and space to move.

So this elderly Asian man comes and stands right in front of me. I found this slightly odd because there was a great deal of room behind him and he was standing RIGHT by me, sort of sideways, and was holding a plastic shopping back next to him that was bumping into my knees. Had he moved over a step or two, he would have had considerably more space for himself.

Well, we stopped at Dowtown Crossing and a few folks got off, creating more room which this man did not take advantage of. About two seconds later I figured out why, when his hand snaked under my coat and STROKED MY CROTCH.

I whipped my knee up at him and sidestepped into the woman standing next to me. He looked completely startled, as if he never expected me to be offended by his action. At this point, the T was pulling into South Station and I just stared at him. The doors opened and I pushed by him roughly, just saying "Creep." I couldn't even muster up an adequate insult or make any sort of steps to stop the guy from future T molestations - he stayed on the T and I don't know where he was planning on getting off it. And frankly, it was clear that he was getting off ON it, so maybe he wasn't actually planning on ever leaving the train. But in any case, there wasn't really anyone I could run and tell about this lovely start to my day, so I just got off the train and came to work.

Hows that for a fucking spectacular commute?