Seized

So, I haven't talked at all in my blog about being an epileptic.

I'm an epileptic.

This has not, historically, been much of an issue for me. I can go for months, sometimes years at a time without having any problems. Up until last March, I hadn't had a seizure in three years. But in February 2002 I started to change my medication. I was having trouble with the long term side effects of the stuff I was on and it just seemed like a good idea to transfer me to something else before things got really bad. The process of changing medications was slow and difficult. I was so overdrugged at some points that I couldn't even hold my head up. I remember one point where I was watching a movie on the VCR and I couldn't get up to switch the tape, so I just pressed rewind and watched the same damn movie three times. I was a mess.

Once I got acclimated to my new medication, however, things began to look up. I'd had two seizures in the process of switching meds, which, all things considered, isn't bad at all. And things went along just fine until January 2003.

On January 6, I had to give a major presentation to a large group of people where I work. It was to be an all-day meeting, and I was (and am) the person who has the most familiarity with the stuff we were presenting. I could tell from the minute I got up that morning that I was not doing too well. I was spacey and out of it and I really shouldn't have gone to work but I let my pride get the best of me. So off I went. And less than an hour into the meeting, I had a seizure. Apparently I had just described sincere customer service and helpful customer service, and was about to give an example of the difference between the two. I basically said, "For example..." and then fell on the floor. I suppose that if the team is confused, I should blame myself. After all, not a particularly good example, you know?

A lot of the people in that room didn't know that I was an epileptic. Obviously, they know now.

On Wednesday, I had another seizure. I was in my cube, eating lunch, and this one just came out of nowhere - no warning, nothing. Apparently I really did a job on myself. I managed to bang my forehead on the desk and twist my shoulder around and bang that on the back of my cubicle. Some people in my office watched over me, called a cab, and sent me home, where I slept for the remainder of the afternoon. Now that I'm back at work, I see that I apparently ripped about six post-it notes off my desk and crumbled them all up - not on purpose, mind you, just as a side effect. I just destroyed this place.

The weirdest part of my whole seizure experience this week was that this morning, a guy on the T had a seizure while sitting directly opposite me. He fell and started making chewing motions with his mouth. For the most part, people didn't panic, but somebody did attempt to stick something in his mouth as a means of stopping him from swallowing his tongue. I stopped them from doing that. The whole tongue-swallowing business is a myth and you're likely to get bitten - the jaw clenches when a seizure happens and can thus result in you getting your fingers broken if you try to stick them in someone's mouth.

Anyway, this guy popped back up and said he was sorry, that he'd been feeling faint and wanted to get off the T and get some fresh air. He got off at the next stop and somebody followed him in order to make sure he wasn't alone. Thank goodness they did, because he seized again the minute he got off the train. It was weird though, this guy really seemed like he didn't know that he'd had a seizure - or he didn't want other people to know that he'd had one.

With me, you can tell. I'm out of it for a long while afterwards. But I don't mind talking about it. Ask away - ask whatever questions you've got. I can't tell you the world about epilepsy, but I'm happy to share what it's like for me. If I didn't, well, I guess I wouldn't be writing this, huh?

I hope I don't have a lot of seizures coming. Seizures sorta suck. And while that statement doesn't tell you the world about epilepsy, it's a fairly good encapsulation.