LaughAtlantis

Here's what I see as the biggest problem with hands-free cellular phones:

I can no longer tell who the crazy people are.

It used to be that if you were walking down the street and someone was alone and swearing, singing, muttering, or arguing with themselves, you just knew that they were crazy. Or at least mildly disturbed.

But here's the thing... I was walking down the street today and I saw a woman coming toward me - short and stocky, ratty hair, kind of a baggy dress - and as I walked by I heard her say, "narcissistic tarts and whores." That, to me, is a crazy person. But when I glanced back at her, I saw that she had on a pair of headphones, or at least some sort of ear thing, and then I thought, "hmm, maybe NOT crazy, just having a really interesting chat."

Just in case she was crazy, I chose not to follow her. seemed safest.

But the thing is, anybody could be on a cell phone, you know. You can't see the phones at all sometimes, so you see people in the grocery store who appear to be having a conversation with applesauce, but are apparently on the phone chatting with friends.

There needs to be some sort of new crazy-person monitoring system. Crazy folks ought to have to wear a red C on their chest... or maybe it would just be easier to make the hands-free phone thingies really brightly colored, so passersby could see that the talker wasn't crazy.

That being said, I don't own a hands-free device, and I don't think I'm crazy, but I do tend to mutter to myself often as I walk the streets of Boston. I'm not sure what that says about me exactly, but, um, maybe as far as the big letter C goes, it might be to just leave well enough alone, eh?

Rod and I went to see the movie Phone Booth on Friday.

I cannot recommend it.

Here's the deal. The premise of the movie is that Colin Farrell goes into a phone booth to call a girl who is not his wife. Kiefer Sutherland calls the phone in the booth, Colin picks up, and Kiefer forces him to stay on the phone. He does this by threatening to kill him if he hangs up. And of course, other people (namely a bunch of hookers and their john) want to use the phone, thus making for both tension and hilarity all in one.

Now, does this make any sense at all? No. I mean, if you're so lonely that you feel you have to call people on the phone randomly to try to make a friend, then maybe you shouldn't threaten to kill them. But of course, Kiefer isn't trying to make a friend, he's trying to make a point. It's an odd point, but whatever.

See, apparently Kiefer's been following Colin around and has decided he's a bad man. Colin isn't having an affair, but he'd probably like to, and he has an inflated sense of self-importance. In the world according to Kiefer, that means Colin must die. Or, at the very least, confess his sins to an entire street full of New Yorkers, including a bunch of cops and his wife and several news teams.

This movie is ASTOUNDINGLY preachy. Just obscenely so. It implies that you should be completely honest with everyone you know - which, let's face it, is just unwise. It means that you wind up being mean. "Yes, honey, that dress makes you look fat." Or STUPID. "Yes, I know you're my boss, but you're inept and I don't understand why I don't have your job." I'm not saying you should be lying to people, but really, there are just some things that are better left unsaid. At one point in the movie, Kiefer talks about having offed a couple of other guys, one of whom was a pedophile, the other was an embezzler (I think). I don't know, but I think those are not quite comparable to a guy who is thinking about sleeping with a girl, but who clearly already feels guilty about feeling that way.

And what the hell? Are there any phone booths anywhere anymore?? Oddly enough, another one turned up on last week's episode of 24 - perhaps a subtle pleas from producer Kiefer Sutherland for folks to go see his movie? I don't know, but trust me - you'll be happier sitting at home watching 24 than paying $10 to have Kiefer tell you to be good.

You better watch out, you better not lie, you better not covet, I'm telling you why, Kiefer S. will shoot you down.

Why do people have opinions on things?

No, seriously, why?

I'm not talking about having opinions on big things like whether we ought to have gone to war with Iraq or whether partial-birth abortions should be legal or whether they should have banned smoking in Boston bars... I'm talking about stupid inane things that have no impact whatsoever on anything. Are humans simply hard-wired to have opinions? Is that what sentience and free will are all about?

Here's a prime example... toilet paper. Do you want it to go over the top, or underneath? Why does it matter? In the end, it comes off the roll and you can use it for its designated purpose. Frankly, as long as there is a roll there when I need it, I'm happy... but some people have strong feelings one way or the other on this issue, and I just don't get it.

Apparently, though, there is enough dissent about this issue to cause some marketing genius out there to come up with the Tilt-A-Roll, a device which allows you to have your cake and eat it too - or at least, to have your toilet paper to come from over OR under the roll at will. Is this really necessary? Are there households in which this is such a do-or-die issue that people are spending $24.95 (plus shipping and handling!) to get a reversible toilet paper dispenser?

I guess so, if they sell the darn things.

And why do we have favorite colors? What is it about sage green and periwinkle blue that makes them appeal to me so? And in that I like cool colors so much, what has compelled me to make my wedding colors all warm colors??

This could be a whole field of study. Why don't anthropologists address these questions? Did Neanderthal Man have favorite colors? I just don't know... but I can be damned sure that he didn't care about the direction of the toilet paper.